Illusion

The thought of trusting a power outside myself to help make my dream come true is definitely a threatening concept, especially if I'm so used to be in control or rather, used to the illusion of being in control. I belive like any others, I go through life trapped by another illusion, that uncaring, capricious fate determines my destiny. Shellshocked from some of the acutely miserable things that life throws my way. I am deeply afraid to believe that a loving, generous creative force supports my endeavours. I am afraid to trust that the same spirit that created the universe probably knows how to help me in some ways. Like mirrors in a carnival fun house that distort appearances, what I see with my own eyes is not real. I buy in to the illusion that external events possess the ultimate power to deny my dreams.
AND I WONDER WHY I AM SO UNHAPPY???!!!!!
I have to let go of the limiting illusions that have held me back from knowing that just to be alive is a grand thing. I have to suspend my disbelief. If only I could muster to experiment with a loving, supportive universe that embraces even the skeptics..which truly describes me!!
Don't misunderstand me for I do like living. I have sometime or all the time been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all...I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing even if it feels dead.