Illusion

The thought of trusting a power outside myself to help make my dream come true is definitely a threatening concept, especially if I'm so used to be in control or rather, used to the illusion of being in control. I belive like any others, I go through life trapped by another illusion, that uncaring, capricious fate determines my destiny. Shellshocked from some of the acutely miserable things that life throws my way. I am deeply afraid to believe that a loving, generous creative force supports my endeavours. I am afraid to trust that the same spirit that created the universe probably knows how to help me in some ways. Like mirrors in a carnival fun house that distort appearances, what I see with my own eyes is not real. I buy in to the illusion that external events possess the ultimate power to deny my dreams.
AND I WONDER WHY I AM SO UNHAPPY???!!!!!
I have to let go of the limiting illusions that have held me back from knowing that just to be alive is a grand thing. I have to suspend my disbelief. If only I could muster to experiment with a loving, supportive universe that embraces even the skeptics..which truly describes me!!
Don't misunderstand me for I do like living. I have sometime or all the time been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all...I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing even if it feels dead.

Nobody Knows

It is only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up. We will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had. Visiting old cemetary can be very illuminating. They are so still and silent...so quiet. Old cemeteries reminds us that until it is carved in stone, realising our heart's desire is still possible everyday if we recognise what it is that makes us happy. Visiting my grandfather's grave always have a great impact on me. His daughter, my mother, didn't really have a good relationship with him but he's my idol. It's the same between me & my father so basically my grandfather was my father. I would sit and say some prayers and then have a "secret" inner conversation with him.
What makes me happy are the simple things in life. Some people dread rains but I love it. Running or playing under it is fun for me. In other words, letting the inner child run wild for a while as I had matured early due to life's poverty and other circumstances. I still love stuffed toys as I never did have one when I was a kid. At the present moment, I have only 2 which I treasure, a unipegasus and a teddy clad in devil's outfit. There's one thing I would really be happy....apart from seeing others being happy...is to be acknowledge that I exist and I am ..alive..and I have feelings. Nothing drastic like attention seeking kind but a fellow human being.

Another Dream

I have had dreams of death lately and it just came to mind that if I had only forgotten future greatness and looked at the green things and the buildings. Reached out to those around me, smelled the air, ignore the forms and the self styled obligations, listen to the rain on the roof and put my arms around those who mean so much to me........I guess it's not too late. They may die before morning. I can't count the years I have been with them as it matters not. I can't say that I could be cheated if I didn't have them for another day. For all I know, I might have not deserve them for one minute...God knows.

And I may die before morning.

Few of us or me rather have consciously choose when I will die. I choose to accept death now. As of this moment I give up my "right" to live and I give my "right" to their lives.

But it's morning when I wake up to today. Within my hands is another day. Another day to listen, love, walk, see and glorify the day. I am here for another day...I think of those who aren't.

Tormented by Malum

MALUM hides not in shadows or darkness but in lies and deciet. Using kindness, trust, compassion and turning the good against themselves, so that the kind hearted fail to recognise the danger till it's too late. I am not saying I am kind hearted as I did spread my wings. I should have learnt my lesson that nothing is too good to be true. Nothing last forever. There's no truth in anything anymore. I have place faith beyond anything and yet again betrayal had been bestowed upon me. Perhaps it's due to my desperations to see goodness and sincererity in people that I know, love or dislike. Telling myself how I experience another person and adding arguements to support the correctness of my own views serves no purpose at all now. It requires no case at all as it's all been destroyed. What I'm writting now is probably junk anyway...so why am I still writting? I have no freaking idea at all. All I am saying that for all these while, I do find it almost..no.. not almost but utterly impossible to make a strong declarative statement in conversation without feeling doubts and reservations. Fear of offending the other due to the depth and powerful feelings. Its all changed now. I am not letting the table turned on me when it's not my mistake at all. The torment that was devised for me was just a simple lie that could have been avoided. The curse of such act made upon me by others that I have to live with.
You have done ill to me, friend, to betray my rights to be human and to call down my doom upon me on love, from which I will forever turn a blind eye on from hence on. If erasing me from any memory or existence gives you joy, health and wealth, so be it. Just give me what I asked for. Its a treasure that you had turn into junk.

Astonishing True

I can relate to this so much in my life and I guess to some others too. But it's certainly sad when a friendship turned sour due to betrayal. Why are people not honest with each other? Why do people go on hurting another for their own happiness? Shame on you for making this particular wrench cry in the dark.

Dying Flower

Dying petals lying on the windowsill, blown there by the whispering wind,
Lost, Forgotten, Betrayed, Left to crumble into dust.

The whispering wind, poking prodding the dying petals,
come! come! play with me, dance with me, fly with me,

Petals stirring on the windowsill, ebbing, leaking energy,
life force diminishing. Yearning, towards the promise,
Particles of misty dreams remembered
dancing,
laughing,
playing,
with the whispering wind.

Memories remembered swirling twirling, lifting higher, higher
flying into the sun, driven by the whispering wind, kiss the petals.
Cruel heat of the burning sun, singed, betrayed, lost, falling to land here on the windowsill.

Dry petals, softly rustle, wistful hope,
Whispering wind prods one last time, no life here, disdainfully,
blows the petals off the windowsill, thoughtless, unfeeling, uncaring,
returns to the garden of fragrant living flowers.

No thought for those that were,
No thought for those that will be,
Rift of conscious
Rift of love,
Rift of compassion,
Knowing only pleasure,
Whirlwind blowing, laughing
teasing, carelessly striping the flowers
of their petals,
Thoughtless of the devastation left in it's wake
barren,
empty,
wasteland,
vanquished.

Destroyer, liar, betrayer, emptiness is your reward, whisper though you may,
none will hear you,
none will see you,
none will listen,
none will care,
Alone
Alone
Alone
So it will be,

Futures gained, futures lost, come claim your just reward, for you have earned this,
Live
and be
Alone
Alone
Alone
Your destiny is written
by your acts and deeds
So be it from this day forward,
Alone,
No one to hear you,
No one to see you,
No one to care,
As it is written so it shall be.